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Being able to stand in the mirror and be honest about your flaws and shortcomings and CONSCIOUSLY willing to make efforts to change them is a sign of maturity and takes great strength.
It's so easy for us to speak openly and smugly about others. It's easy to say what you would or would not do. That IF IT WAS ME is the most overly used crock of BS we too often allow to depart from between our lying lips quickly. It's easy to take joy in seeing others' failings or taking missteps because, for some, it makes them feel better and makes it easier for them to validate their own bullshyt. This is especially so on social media, where opinions about others come hard and fast as we sit behind keyboards, setting them on fire, knowing others are not so privileged to the BS we have done, are still doing, and will continue to do. Failed marriages, failed romantic and friendly relationships, cheating, being cheated on, not caring for their kids, using others, and verbal, mental, emotional, and physical abuse are too often ridiculed by the very people whose mirrors are covered in matte black.
Loss of jobs, inability to maintain a regular job, irreconcilable situations, homelessness, bad credit, estranged family members, the legal ramifications of decisions you choose to make, and so much more. It's always easier to reassign the blame. It's my baby daddy/mama/ex-husband/ex-wife, parents, and kids' fault. It's the white man's fault. It's my boss's fault. It's my co-worker's fault.
The hardest thing for humans to do is take ownership of our mess. It's easier to focus on what someone else did or is doing. It's hard as phuck, to be HONEST with yourself and about YOU! But it's even harder to actually start studderstepping when you're amid your OWN bullshit and STOPPING, SELF-CHECKING, and CORRECTING yourself. Especially when nobody is looking, and nobody really knows the truth. Being your OWN accountability partner is just as hard, if not even more challenging, than having someone to hold a mirror up to your face and tell you the truth about yourself!
A few years ago, I had to accept that there is a difference between being intellectually sound and tying into a good debate versus being straight-out combative and only caring about WINNING! I was highly confrontational and would beat you down with my opinions. I still can do battle, but I also learned how to say "Okay" and walk away.
A few years ago, I had to accept that there is a difference between being a leader and one to step up and take charge versus being someone who is overbearing and controlling. I had to realize that my controlling ways stemmed from feeling like I had no control over the first 29 years of my life. So I held tight to the things I could control with an iron fist, not realizing I was running people away. People feared my wrath, and I used to enjoy it because it meant I held power. People were afraid to tell me something or talk to me because I was a do as I say, I'm always right, you can't tell me otherwise type of person. Even when I knew I was dead ass wrong, I was still going to hold my spot to the bitter end. It was always something YOU did to make me act out. I loved being seen as the mean girl.
And that conflicted greatly with the person who, deep down inside, genuinely cares about people. That clashed with the girl who felt terrible for the white girl Louise in elementary school, who the kids would pick on because she was poor. That conflicted with the girl who never grew up laughing at fat people, had disabilities, was bullied, or people made fun of for various reasons. I sympathized and felt sorry for those people because, deep down, I felt more connected to them than those who were popular and a part of the in-crowd. I was, especially then and even still at times now, a fraud and far more flawed than I allowed others to perceive me to be. Most of all, I was always looking at others' failings and shortcomings instead of truly doing the work to focus on correcting my own.
It's why now I choose to no longer speak on many things or at least make sure that I fully process situations in their entirety. I don't tell my friends to leave their spouse or mate. I don't laugh at fat people. How can I, and I am overweight? And even if I wasn't, I don't know their story. It's why I don't laugh at people with disabilities, even when they make themselves the butt of jokes. I feel compassion for them because, often, it's their way of coping with the meanness and stares of others. I don't judge women who are in abusive relationships because, more than once, I didn't leave. I grew up in an abusive home, so until I broke that cycle, I thought it was a part of life. I don't talk too in-depth about people who cheat because I've cheated before. I don't speak shyt about wigs, weaves, lashes, fake nails, or any of that stuff because it's only recently that I have begun to build myself esteem to feel beautiful without it. I still struggle with that. I get more attention with a long weave than a bald head. But I have to decide if I want to have to wear weave the rest of my life due to alopecia (the disease Jada Pinkett has) or learn to thicken my skin when I see all the jokes and memes about black women with no edges.
I don't trash my exes and play the victim because I wasn't perfect, and in a great many cases, I saw the red flags and still wanted them so severely that I stayed. I have to accept the part I played in it. I chose them even when they didn't choose me, so how can I be mad when I allowed myself to continue in a situation that deep down I KNEW was no good? I wasn't a victim of circumstance; I played a role in choosing to stay when I knew I should leave. I allowed it.
And that is what this post is about - looking at other situations and being honest with myself about my own SHYT! My own shortcomings. My own past and sometimes present failings. I TRY hard to be mindful that although I have grown a lot, I'm still growing.
In essence, I make myself aware DAILY that I am FLAWED AS PHUCK, and because of it, I am more careful of my words, actions, judgment, and most importantly, my need to continue to grow! I can't tell anyone what to do or point out anyone else's failing when each day, I am, more often than not, just barely treading water in this thing called life. I still ain't got it right, but cot, dammit, I'm trying.
Love ya, Bye!
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